It turned out to be months of nostalgia and I'll-miss-yous as we head toward our graduation. Then a couple months of the fastest emotional roller coaster I've ever been on... without the safety bar / seatbelt fastened. Which goes to show whether whatever happened was either the best days I've encountered or possibly the worst experience I've gone through. I can't decide, it's been 7 weeks and I'm still on the fence for this one.

It's sad to say I'm sitting here - an unemployed, 22 year old - trying to figure out life while I word vomit on what went down the last 6 months of this "new" year. It's been 8 weeks since my last paper, since I last step foot in the college grounds, since the whirlwind of everything.

Final year project was definitely a piece of cake a stab in the gut. We've all struggled but we've managed to pull through to the end, creating what I like to call my blood, sweat, tears, sleepless nights and brain-damaging 11K word FYP. The minimum (+/- 10%) was 10K but I was feeling a little adventurous and decided to hit that last note with the maximum word quota before leaving this chapter of my life.

Nothing really significant about the last half of this year except of the roller coaster ride I was happy / confused / taken aback / [insert other relevant adjectives here] to ride on. One thing was for sure, I did not expect the roads leading to that point and then drag me back to the start again. I'm sure we both didn't. It was just a moment of connectivity that we shared and thought it would mean us no harm should we progress towards it. Sometimes the unknown can lead us to something undiscovered and beautiful, something we'd totally will not have experienced if we did not explore.

I guess it was a mutual understanding that we didn't know what in Pete's sake we're doing. It came so suddenly and went as quickly as it happened. I can only remember screenshots of it in my mind, but the feeling never goes away. The feeling of being engulfed in such sweetness and longing, it stays and for the first time my brain could actually comprehend how these things really are. It's not that I condemned people who boast about these, but I wasn't actually supporting it either. I was definitely chugging in my own words, almost drowned and choked with the reality of it all. To be going through this at just 22, would be labelled as a late bloomer. The one who never got chosen at the practice field. The one who got called out last. The one who passed the finish point... hours after the marathon ended. It's never easy; I was so lost I did not know what to do. Everything came in like a rush of waves, and it was a task to juggle my emotions while keeping my feet on the ground. Today I live with all the what ifs and the should haves. It is not like I mourn for the loss of something I did not have, but rather what could have been. But the truth is, I was unsure and indecisive and naive with it all that I blew it, and saw it being swept away right under my nose.

I can't say I miss it but I definitely miss the idea of it, and the heart that was so brave and willing to be vulnerable to mine, all to prove it meant no harm. It was as clear as day, but I still couldn't see right through it. Naivety got the best of me. I guess this is what they meant when they say "it was fun while it lasted". It was, that's no lie and it's filed in my 'Happy' folder, if you must know. Filed so that I could look back and watch it all happened again just like tuning in to reruns on the television and being engaged in it even though I know what happens next.

Through it all, I was furiously flaming at how people could do something so heart-wrenching to me but chanting 'why me?' isn't going to solve the problem, much less make me forget about the whole ordeal. Throwing me off to the sidelines is not something I'm unfamiliar with. But this was a major sweep that I was so shocked because I did not see it coming. Not even from a mere feet away. I reacted and naturally I felt unaccounted for, for all the things I let myself open up to, just as how anyone who's taken for granted would feel.

But I guess, it's time to close that chapter and seal the file into the .zip folder so that I can refrain myself from easily looking back at them because no matter how crazy a roller coaster ride was, the ending will always be disappointing. Nothing about the end of something positive is a pleasant thing. We all want more of what gives us that high. And there is no doubt, this is one of the hardest ride stops I've ever been in with. People come, use you, and you get comfy, and then they leave. It's a part of life and something I should learn by now. Get angry, get pissed, get raging. Calm down. And then the cycle starts. Again. And each time we develop a thicker skin, almost like the callouses on the tip of your fingers when you play the guitar, to fend off the build up of negative emotions in you. The balance is to make sure you don't feel numb all over. Leave a gateway for all the happy things that are bound to go your way and allow them in through that crack.

I guess a big thank you is warranted for opening up to me about your life, and showing me the ropes to many things I've not gone to do / see. And for all the things you've stand up for me, for making me feel like I wasn't the only crazy one here (lol), for understanding, for appreciating, for being open and ultimately for staying true to yourself. Something that I should have done in the first place.